Memoir: Five Years Consumed

You could hear the sizzle when the setting sun touched the salt water. The faint squawking of seagulls flying high above was in harmony with the warm breeze that whispered gently in my ear. The tiny sand granules under me were still warm from the day. Not many beach-goers were left, most of them had continued on and gone. It was coming to an end. I had pondered it thousands of times and looked at it from every imaginable angle. By the end of today, I would finally be free.

I have let go before. Granted the first time I was an unwilling participant. The first time happened as quickly as a flash of lightning, God made sure of that. While both end results were the same they were different. The first left me weak and the second made me strong.

The growing pains were excruciating and of the worst kind. Many nights I lay in my twin bed chilled from the winter air seeping though my window. My eyes hurting, drained and swollen too exhausted to manifest even a mole of a tear. My head full of every conceivable emotion, felt like it would soon explode if I was unable to find the relief valve soon. I needed it to stop. I needed sleep. I needed to get up and get to school on time. I used the radio to distract my chaotic mind and ease the aches. I ran so far away so many times with the Flock of Seagulls.

The numerous pains were regular visitors and the struggle with them constant. Just when I’d think it couldn’t get worse I’d be rudely introduced to a new one. I could make it all go away. I knew this. But still, I wasn’t ready to let go. Several nights I prayed to God asking him to slip me quietly into a coma. I desperately needed rest. I longed for peace. Nothing could make me happier than waking up months later to find it had all passed without any effort on my part. I became so accustom to lingering pains that eventually I went numb.

As far back as I could remember, not a holiday went by where I didn’t bake cookies for Santa. For people like me, who will forever be young at heart; the three weeks before Christmas undoubtedly makes December the longest month of the year! It had always been torture for me to see those beautiful, gleaming presents under the tree every day, and know, I had to wait. However this Christmas was different. We had the tree, the ornaments we were accustomed to, the shiny presents, the white snow, the warmth of a home, and the smell of fresh baked cookies; all the necessary ingredients were there, but joy was elusive to me. I felt no anticipation to tear through the red and green wrapping paper. No curiosity as to what Santa had left in my stocking. No surprise or feeling of gratitude for receiving the gifts.

My joyless Christmas passed with the season. So did the spring holidays, including my Birthday. They all nonchalantly came and went. As my high school graduation date grew closer I began to imagine a new life. Eagerness gently lapped at my conscience like calm waves on a secluded beach. Excited to leave this stagnant town, I was gone within two weeks of commencement. I traveled to the mid-west, partied with old friends, resided in paradise and made new friends. I worked my butt off holding down three jobs! My going, going, going consumed all of my time leaving none left to remember the pain. One year quickly passed.

I am happy; I am energetic; I am cured! The growing pains are gone. Dilemmas from the past are behind me. I am convinced that maturity, like an antidote, has successfully counteracted any past illness. However, my youthful confidence rendered me consciously oblivious to the lurking manipulation. My subconscious however, was completely aware of the present danger but the minuscule voice was too subtle to hear. Somewhat leery but highly elated, I paused before committing…

Secret vows in a small chapel and an island paradise could not keep me in remission. Less than one month passed and the disease was coming back. Yes, I knew the signs well. I’m a veteran. Puzzled as to why it was coming back I sought a Doctor. The initial appointment failed to shed any light on my predicament. I soon realized how stubborn the darkness was. It wasn’t as simple as flipping a light switch. I reluctantly succumbed to the notion that it would be a while before I could see.

For so long, letting go to me was accompanied with great fear. Slowly discovering and owning my weaknesses, my faults, and my mistakes culminated in me a profound strength. More permanent than a tattoo, this new insight branded my soul; an everlasting signature of virtue personifying dignity. The benefits gained from a lesson such as this, quickly diminish any pain associated with the learning.

With all fear factored out of the equation, I found myself desirous and unafraid of true independence. I now welcomed the end result. My anticipation of freedom grew greater as the time to let go grew closer. My heart began beating faster and stronger. I could feel it beating from the inside out, visible to others if they looked close enough. Unsurprisingly I managed to remain calm. Unlike times before, today I was in control of my emotions. Today, I did not need to prove anything to anyone. Today there would be no arguments, no detailed explanations, no pain, no more tears, and no more looking back. Today would be our last together.

I expected to see fury. I envisioned his strong arms reaching out, holding me against my will until I changed my mind, telling me that no one would ever love me as much as he did, but he didn’t. His eyes were blank, his lips slightly parted unsure of what to say. My reclaimed self confidence placed him in a dumbfounded state, if only for a moment. Then his square chin delicately quivered as mourning began to fill his green eyes, a routine I am familiar with. Only this time, my heart strings did not twinge. No, I wasn’t numb anymore, I knew what that felt like. All doubts and insecurities had been evicted, making room for new tenants. Self-love and self-respect now resided within me. No more vacancies. No more room for manipulation, jealousy, control, or belittling.

My personal boundaries were plotted and indestructible. My love so abundant that worry escaped me as love overflowed and poured out to the very person that had caused me so much pain. My inner peace was surreal; sanity, at last. He could no longer embed doubt in my mind. He was powerless to evoke an argument. I felt no need to blame him nor was I compelled to “fix” him. Responsible only for myself, my actions, my words, my decisions; finally I understood and believed how invincible I truly was.

Defiantly he pleaded, he promised and he asked for another chance. “I’m sorry, but five years of my life is chance enough for anyone.”