The Human Experience: I’m Alive!

A wise man, Socrates, once said that “an unexamined life is not worth living” (Brainy Quotes). At first glimpse this statement seems quite simply and most acceptably feasible. However, upon unpacking the seven word quote one quickly begins to realize the dynamics of such an affirmation. How can something that is unexamined be appraised and found worthless? For to determine value, or lack thereof, surely the thing in question, the human experience, must be examined; and to be examined it must be lived! “I’m alive and the world shines for me today… I’m alive! Suddenly I am here today. Seems like forever (and a day)… Thought I could never (feel this way)… Is this really me? I’m alive! I’m alive!” (Xanadu). To actually live one must examine his, or her, own life. By conceptualizing the human psyche as the essence of humanness one begins to know themselves. Once the veil of social-conditioning has been lifted and the ego diminished, virtue and excellence can lead the way to the soul or the body’s entelechy; by “actualizing or realizing” our function we have “happiness” or eudaimonia, which is “being really alive rather than just existing: fully aware, vital, alert” (Dictionary.com). This is more than being free of cares or worries. Rather, it implies exhilaration – great suffering and great joy, great passions - it implies a full life. “I’m alive and the dawn breaks across the sky… I’m alive and the sun rises up so high… Lost in another world (far away)… Never another world (till today)… But what can I say? I’m alive! I’m alive!” (Xanadu). The ups and downs of joy and suffering; triumph and tragedy; love and longing; ecstasy and agony are most certainly products of our egos – our illusionary self is predicative of our illusionary world. However, all of these human emotions are of the utmost importance if we are ever going to rise above the low-lying fog and see from a clearer, higher perspective. T’ao Ch’ien learned through life experiences to trust his “instinct… for freedom” and leave monetary security behind to return to his farm where “hunger and cold may be sharp, but [whereas]… going against [himself] really sicken[ed him]” (Lawall, 1361). Without a period of time to live a life that “had so compromised [his] principles” he may not have known the shame that coincided with that type of life and therefore his understanding of his reason of living might have been postponed, possibly indefinitely (Ibid). “Suddenly came the dawn from the night… Suddenly I was born into light… How can it be real? I’m alive! I’m alive!” (Xanadu). Human suffering, tragedy, longing and agony are integral components of life, necessary for the learning or enlightenment required to question and reset our aim on worthy causes that are high above the world we thought we lived in. T’ao Ch’ien wrote, “It was my own doing that made my mind my body’s slave… And I am aware that what I do today is right, yesterday wrong” (Lawall, 1361). Man without such insights into human emotion and devoid of any inclination to truly examine and use them as tools to better understand the reason for living, is like a man in Han-Shan’s poems, “…living in the dust… trapped in a bowl… scrabbles round and round… never escapes… his cravings have no end… look at the wooden puppets, worn out be their moment of play on the stage” (Lawall, 1378 and 1379). On the other hand… joy, love, and ecstasy, while seemingly positive attributes of the human experience, in excess can be just as, if not more, detrimental to the ego as their counterparts tragedy, longing, and agony. Too much of a good thing bears exuberance which can advance to pride, jealousy, or obsession. Regardless of which side of the spectrum a person may find themselves traveling towards, to go too far from the harmonious middle and one is sure to encounter the appropriate human experiences that are necessary in order to discover just how far the mark has been missed. If one awakens to such lessons they are then able to rectify their course, quiet their mind, settle their soul and return to the middle point; which is closest to their true nature – God. Some people live unable to quiet their life. Being useful in society, as suggested by Chuang Chou, “their utility makes life miserable… they don’t get to finish out the years Heaven gave them…” (Lawall, 847). Without stillness their enlightenment remains just out of reach. If for example they are of no use, they tend to have more time to grow spiritually (Ibid). “If you are content with the time and willing to follow along, then grief and joy have no way to enter in…” (Lawall, 846). In some instances, worldly attachments are systematically removed from us, without any doing of own, until a time that we find ourselves alone. In loneliness there resides an opportunity for awareness. Po Chu-I wrote during his winter confinement: “My house is poor; those that I love have left me. My body is sick; I cannot join the feast. There is not a living soul before my eyes. As I lie alone locked in my cottage room. My broken lamp burns with a feeble flame; My tattered curtains are crooked and do not meet… As I grow older, gradually I sleep less; I wake at midnight and sit up straight in bed. If I had not learned the ‘the art of sitting and forgetting,’ How could I bear this utter loneliness? Stiff and stark my body cleaves to the earth; Unimpeded my soul yields to Change…” (Lawall, 1396). Setting here as I ponder. What is real, what will last? Truth is hard, patience impossible. I cannot help but wonder. Where did I come from, the past? Thoughts insecure are unstoppable. Is this my first or last life? Reincarnation some say, does not matter, you’re path is chosen. Slicing ahead like a knife. Swipe all the debris aside. I’ll be alright, I am not frozen. So strong are my convictions, I am real, I will last. Truth is heart, loving is possible. Not everyone appreciates or understands the necessity of the emotional rollercoaster ride; a life that is full of slow climbs, high falls, loop-d-loops, and corkscrews. Surprises to some are feared while others find them exciting. Many people prefer to be in the driver’s seat yet others don’t want to know when they’ll be turning left or right or when they’re going to stop. While life is most definitely uncertain, it is at the same time certainly meant to be lived! “I’m alive and the world shines for me today… I’m alive! Suddenly I am here today. Seems like forever (and a day)… Thought I could never feel this way… Is this really me? I’m alive! I’m alive!” (Xanadu). T’ao Ch’ien’s thoughts are most parallel to my own, for often I think, “May my friends be broken off and my wanderings come to an end. The world and I shall have nothing to do with one another… So little time are we granted human form in the world! Let us then follow the inclinations of the heart…” (Lawall, 1362). We are alive with a purpose to partake in all that human life has to offer; to learn and grow from those experiences – so we may transcend beyond our invented selves.

And So It Goes

Rise before the sun shines bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Brew the perfect cup of coffee and enjoy sipping it while birds sing their songs welcoming spring. The sky is blue with light, white, fluffy clouds hanging daintily from its ceiling. Outside the world welcomes the sun’s rays and happily molds the golden light into shiny hope for all earth’s inhabitants. Moving slow enough to realize it, we pause for a brief moment, stand by the open window and inhale future’s promise deep into our lungs attempting to fill our soul with enough good to last throughout the day. Man’s clock doesn’t stop however, and we are programmed to step in time with it. Only minutes left before we must begin another man-made day. Turn on the tube for the most recent news; teen robbers, domestic shootings, family kidnappings, murderous rages, flooded communities, casualties of war, nuclear contamination, and White House stale-mate stories quickly crowd our hope-filled souls and stealthily, without our awareness of it, the weight of man’s decisions are heavily upon our shoulders. This unrealized burden settles inside our thoughts and lay deeply beneath the recent memory of a brand new day. Unknowingly we traverse through our days appalled by what we witness but helpless to make a difference. We bury our guilt and customarily put on our happy face. And so it goes.

Time spent embracing the new day has us running late. Rushing out, driving to point B with a blinding focus that dangerously hinders our awareness to the present we rush in to work questioning to ourselves, “Was that light green or red?” and “How did I get here?” 4,380 days have gone by rushing into this place and you would think they would remember the first day you stepped foot into their building. The sacrifices you have made, lost time with your family, missed reunions, passed up vacations, and most importantly – your willingness to continue choosing them over you. Today you arrive to find it the same as yesterday, nothing has changed. Well, except the people maybe, but the positions, the titles, the cubicles, the offices, and the duties remain. Your anniversary feels more like a sentence without parole but you press forward unwilling to ponder your childhood dreams, afraid to take personal inventory because you fear discovering yourself empty and hollow – devoid of any unique aspirations belonging solely to yourself. Childhood dreams and goals are long gone and mostly forgotten. You rise and partake in man’s reality, which is not reality at all but merely a projection of what many think it should be. You are unsatisfied and unhappy but you cannot be true to yourself for to do so would mean disappointing so many others like your Boss, Co-Workers, Husband, Parents, and Children. They count on your bi-weekly contribution to have and live the way they feel they must, in order to be successful in their eyes you proceed to live a dead life while the lively one you possess inside slowly dies. And so it goes.

A weak economy creates a layoff situation and the pink slip you receive is detrimental to your lively hood. Without your income pressures build around you. No longer an asset to those around you but in time you are simply a burden. Your husband cannot support the lifestyle the family has become accustom to. Unable to remove society’s veil he is wired to keep his possessions and by whatever means, make ends meet. His foundation for life is weak for it was built with earthly things. Lacking the strength to uphold moral codes the mortar crumbles. He sweeps up the crumbs and seeks refuge in another’s virtual safe haven. In time your children want the material things that you can no longer provide but he can. Lost are your chances to instill in them humanly attributes that will make them strong enough to withstand our man-made society with arbitrary goals and unnecessary pressures. With him they will continue to grow strong in a foundation that is nothing but a mirage, it is no foundation at all but imagined to be so. And so it goes.

Moving forward in a new world, one that has been with you all along, you are blessed with an opportunity to view the same old things with new eyes. No longer blinded by superficial gains but driven by spiritual needs. Life is much slower giving you more time to discover your real self. Those lost spirits looking for a strong, man-made foundation continue to pass you up. This is indeed yet another blessing in disguise. Time is now your friend, life is quaint as you listen to the birds outside your window. You are no longer devastated by the loss of what so many feel is necessary because you have gained what many may never find; a sight into a world of hope and promise that goes beyond false perspectives of success, values and reasons for waking each day. This new outlook is magnificently large and the feeling of love for the world and its inhabitants so grand that you wish to embrace all that we are, and lift the veil for each and every one of us. But this type of view cannot be shown to anyone, it has to be discovered by the greedy choices we make and the self-created predicaments we find ourselves in; they will one day render us with no other alternative but to see the truth and the world as it really is and as it should be. And so it goes.

Virtue Is Colorless

Dark are the deceptive interpretations of blackness. The brightness of whiteness is blinding to some. Therefore blackness only exists left of center, just out of view. Inevitable, because blackness is obscured from vision, the eye’s ability to see clearly is thwarted and blackness is inadvertently misconstrued. A world which is seen with impaired vision invites illusion. Illusions are something that deceives by producing a false or misleading impression of reality (Dictionary.com). Realistically or not, blackness was feared. Blackness is not dark and whiteness is not light. The color white, with light present merely reflects color – and the color black, consists of all colors; virtue is colorless.

In “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” a young black girl’s grandmother tries desperately to gain the help of a local white dentist who would “…rather stick [his] hand in a dog’s mouth than in a nigger’s” (Angelou, 189). Here all parties have developed a sense of the whiteness and blackness in their world. Blurred vision plays a large part in the illusions present here. The Dentist sees the blackness as savage and beneath that of dogs. The young girl creates a slightly different illusion. She concocts an interesting account of her grandmother’s interactions with the Dentist because she chooses to view her grandmother as a black woman with powers that she herself, hopes to inherit someday. She is not yet completely knowledgeable of all aspects associated with whiteness and blackness in her time but she knew that it was not acceptable to God. “Let the whitefolks have their money and power and segregation and sarcasm and big houses and schools and lawns like carpets, and books, and mostly – mostly – let them have their whiteness. It was better to be meek and lowly, spat upon and abused for this little time than to spend eternity frying in the fires of hell” (Angelou, 131).

Harmony between all humans is encumbered with insurmountable obstacles with quandaries so complexly burdened with inequalities that a solution for all seems unfathomable. While everyone is legally obliged to obey laws and conform, doing so will not guarantee harmony, justice, or equality. Martin Luther King, Jr. proclaimed, “… there are two types of laws: just and unjust” (Charters, 29). Even laws that are immoral are expected to be followed but like St. Augustine, Martin Luther King, Jr. agrees that “an unjust law is no law at all” (Ibid). Aware that many laws were biased and completely arbitrary, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a man who vivaciously shown light on blackness, successfully exposing multi-layered depths of color-blindness. He promoted equality while displaying peace. He uncovered hypocrisies while exemplifying righteousness yet the many peaceful displays of protest did little to bring peace to the minds and hearts of either the oppressed or the oppressor.

Martin Luther King, Jr.’s words revealed differences in men by uncovering how the privileged, well-educated, cultivated, Christian Clergymen’s lack of actions were perfect manifestations of phenomenal demonstrations of hypocrisy. He clarified the differences between a man-made laws and natural, Godly ones; “a just law is a man-made code that squares with the moral law or the law of God… Any law that degrades human personality is unjust… it is morally wrong and sinful” (Charters, 30). An important ideology used to build our country’s democracy derived from God; the belief that all men are created equal. This concept was an essential element for the harmonious existence of a new land’s population. Our nation is ran by legislation derived from our constitution, written by men who were unable to comprehend the word men as plural for man – and “man” is defined by Dictionary.com as a member of the species Homo Sapiens or all the members of this species collectively, without regard to color or race. Those laws were written as just but were continuously subject to a white man’s interpretation, hence the implementation of legislation that is discriminately convoluted to solely benefit a specific class of society while oppressing all others is thoroughly unjust.

It is not genetics, geography, language, religion, education, attire, or possessions that elevate our spirits into the realms of humanity; but our virtue. It is our conscience and our courage to act upon what we know in our hearts and soul to be right and true. It is a strong man that holds to personal convictions that are true, regardless of consequence; and a weak man who continues to trudge forth in conformity, blatantly ignoring his wrongs inflicted upon others.

We are not born completely established; set like mortar and unchangeable. Our neurotic make up by nature is designed to grow, adapt to our environment, and learn from our experiences. We are made to comprehend and to work in abstract ways. We are not made for the mundane, the idle, or the stagnancy of stillness. No, we exist to excel in all fathomable ways. Our spirit is not limited by man-made boundaries. To stifle the spirit is to lead the soul to death. Malcolm X stood for freedom and he was willing to risk death to get that freedom. For without equality true freedom did not exist and individuality would remain oppressed.

Malcolm X was similar to Martin Luther King, Jr. in that he too was an advocate for equality between whites and blacks. The difference however was the tone of his delivery. In the “Ballot or the Bullet” speech he proclaimed, “We suffer political oppression. Economic exploitation. And social degradation. All of ‘em from the same enemy… it’ll be the ballot or it’ll be the bullet. It’ll be liberty or it’ll be death” (Charters, 75 and 79).

In 1968 a prominent public figure, Senator Robert F. Kennedy, addressed our nation regarding the hatred and violence between us. His speech contained powerful statements; “No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders.” “…violence breed violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleaning of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul.” “When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies…” ("John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum").

Four decades have passed since Senator Kennedy earnestly articulated his stand on hatred. Still today, our Nation, our world, is teeming with racial issues. Regardless of where in the world we live, we are all born with a conscience; knowing right from wrong. Our insatiable desire for equality or control continues to consume us. Our essential bond, humanity, is rapidly deteriorating. Without humanity we are inhumane.

We Are One – “No matter who you are, where you’re from or what you were taught to believe in, be at peace with yourself and with everyone else” (We Are One).

Buddhism – “Hurt not others with that which pains yourself” (From the Udanavarga 5.18).

Christianity – “In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12 – NRSV).

Hinduism – “Do not to others which if done to thee would cause pain” (From the Mahabharata 5.1517).

Islam “No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself” (Sunnab).

Jainism – “In happiness and suffering, in joy and grief, we should regard all creatures as we regard our own self” (Lord Mahavir 24th Tirthankara).

Judaism – “What is hateful to you, do not to your fellow human beings. That is the law; all the rest is commentary” (Talmud, Shabbatƺla).

Native Spiritual Traditions – “Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves” (Chief Seattle).

Shintoism – “Be charitable to all beings, love is the representation of God” (Ko-ji-ki Hachiman Kasuga).

Sikhism – “Don’t create enmity with anyone as God is within everyone” (Guru Arjan Devji 259. Guru Granth Sahib).

Taoism – “Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain; and regard your neighbor’s loss as your own loss” (Tai Shang Kan Yin P’ien).

Many laws and much progress has been made since the 1960’s however, in our daily lives, in our interactions with others; neighbors, communities, counties, states, and countries, we continue to overlook the “Golden Rule”, which is possibly the most basic, virtuous universal rule. It is taught world-wide in nearly every religion, school, or philosophy. If this value cannot influence mankind to halt hatred and cultivate harmony, what can? To think that man-written laws and arbitrary democracy is the answer is utterly absurd. Democracy only works when virtue is present. So long as unjust laws are written, a system without virtue will do nothing to encourage harmony between people. No amount of respect, status, power, prosperity, education, freedom, or peace can change hearts of men to practice what they preach. This is a task that no one can accomplish for another. That revelation is saved for the man himself. Once man feels compelled to take ownership in himself, it is then that we can see true change.


Works Cited
Angelou, Maya. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. Ballantine Books, 2009. Print.
Charters, Ann. The portable sixties reader. Penguin Classics, 2003. Print. Dictionary.com. 2011
Dictionary.Com. http://dictionary.reference.com/. 2011.
The Golden Rules. We Are One; Buddhism. From the Udanavarga 5.18; Christianity. The Bible. Matthew 7:12; Hinduism. From the Mahabharata 5.1517; Islam. Sunnab; Jainism. Lord Mahavir 24th Tirthankara; Judaism. Talmud, Shabbatƺla; Native Spiritual Traditions. Chief Seattle; Shintoism. Ko-ji-ki Hachiman Kasuga; Sikhism. Guru Srjan Devji 259. Guru Granth Sahib; Taoism. Tai Shang Kan Yin P’ien.
"Remarks of Senator Robert F. Kennedy to the Cleveland City Club, Cleveland, Ohio, April 5, 1968." John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum. John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum, n.d. Web. 12 Mar 2011. .

The Fouling of Innocence - A Mix Tape

Little Wonders, Rob Thomas.
Pretty In Pink, The Psychedelic Furs.
Itty Bitty Pretty One, Screamin’ Jay Hawkins.
This Little Girl, Gary US Bonds.
We’re a Happy Family, The Ramones.
Cherish, Madonna.
Bubbly, Colbie Caillat.
Beautiful Soul, Jesse McCartney.
Dreams, The Cranberries.
Forever Young, Rod Stewart.
She’s a Beauty, The Tubes.
Perfect World, Huey Lewis and the News.
Don’t Talk to Strangers, Rick Springfield.
Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-dot Bikini, Brian Hyland. Simply Irresistible, Robert Palmer.
(She’s) Sexy & 17, Stray Cats.
Goodie Two Shoes, Adam Ant.
Keep Your Hands to Yourself, Georgia Satellites.
Waiting for a Girl Like You, Foreigner.
This Could Be the Night, Loverboy.
I Want to Know What Love Is, Foreigner.
Let’s Go All the Way, Sly Fox.
Heat of the Moment, Asia.
Promises, Promises, Naked Eyes.
Relax, Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
Paradise By the Dashboard Light, Meatloaf.
Cherry Pie, Warrant.
Torn, Natalie Imbrugila.
Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis.
Little Lies, Fleetwood Mac.
What a Fool Believes, The Doobie Brothers.
I hate Myself for Loving You, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.
Harden My Heart, Pat Benetar.
I Don’t Wanna Be in Love, Good Charlotte.
Big Girls Don’t Cry, Fergie.
The Warrior, Scandal.
Party All the Time, Eddie Murphy.
Double Vision, Foreigner.
Lay Down Sally, Eric Clapton.
Pieces of Me, Ashley Simpson.
Throwing it All Away, Genesis.
Slip Slidin’ Away, Paul Simon.
Bluer Than Blue, Michael Johnson.
Let It Rain, Eric Clapton.
Bring on the Noise, Jo Dee Messina.
Get the Party Started, Pink.
White Lines, Grandmaster Flash.
Feel My Body, Headpins.
Lay Your Hands On Me, The Thompson Twins.
S.O.S., Rihanna.
Make Me Feel Better, Fabolous Feat, Ne-Yo.
Say You Love Me, Fleetwood Mac.
Hit Me With Your Best Shot, Pat Benetar.
Hell With Ya, Pink.
I Wanna Be Sedated, The Ramones.
Cocaine, The Grateful Dead.
Crusin’, Smokey Robinson.
Life in the Fast Lane, Eagles.
One Thing Leads to Another, The Fixx.
Wipe Out, Beach Boys.
Trouble, Pink.
Jailhouse Rock, Elvis Presely.
Family Affair, Mary J. Blige.
Bad Reputation, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.
Misunderztood, Pink.
It’s My Life, No Doubt.
Ain’t None of Your Business, Missing Persons.
Had a Dad, Jane’s Addiction.
Runaway, Bon Jovi.
Cuz I Can, Pink.
Shut Up and Drive, Rihanna.
Destination Unknown, Missing Persons.
Life is a Highway, Tom Cochrane.
Must of Got Lost, J. Geils Band.
Walking in L.A., Missing Persons.
Lonely, Pink.
Sad Eyes, Robert John.
Not Hot to Trot, Von Iva.
Pitiful, Pink.
Please Mr. Please, Olivia Newton-John.
Help Me, Joni Mitchell.
Sharp Dressed Man, ZZ Top.
Father Figure, George Michael.
Stick With Me Baby, Robert Plant & Alison Krause.
Roll to Me, Del Amitri.
Midnight at the Oasis, Maria Muldaur.
Hot Child in the City, Nick Gilder.
Somebody Put Something in My Drink, The Ramones.
Toxic, Britney Spears.
Bad Company, Bad Company.
Spinnin’ Around, Jump 5.
I Love L.A., Randy Newman.
Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?, Rod Stewart.
You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet, Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
Strip, Adam Ant.
Money, Money, Money, ABBA.
It’s So Easy, Linda Ronstadt.
Rich Girl, Hall & Oates.
The Glamorous Life, Sheila E.
Noticeable Ones, Missing Persons.
Do You Wanna Touch?, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.
Undercover Angel, Alan O’Day.
Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll, Ian Dury & the Blockheads.
Out of Touch, Hall & Oates.
Broken Wings, Mr. Mister.
So Far Away, Dire Straits.
Sex Slave, Dolla.
Just Like a Pill, Pink.
You Make Me Sick, Pink.
Hard Habit to Break, Chicago.
Haven’t Got Time for the Pain, Carly Simon.
Don’t Bring Me Down, Electric Light Orchestra.
Rikki Don’t Lose that Number, Steely Dan.
I Wanna New Drug, Huey Lewis and the News.
Hit Me Baby One More Time, Britney Spears.
Blown it Again, Daniel Bedingfield.
Living Dead Girl, Rob Zombie.
Stayin’ Alive, Bee Gees.
Got to Give it Up, Marvin Gaye.
Down on the Corner, Creedence Clearwarter Revisited.
Where the Streets Have No Name, U2.
Come and Get Your Love, Redbone.
Every Face Tells a Story, Olivia Newton-John.
Last Dance, Donna Summer.
Do You Believe in Love?, Huey Lewis and the News.
Can You Feel it Now?, Tremolo.
Eighteen, Alice Cooper.
Trippin’ Through the Universe, Black Man Clay.
D.O.A., Bloodrock.

Memoir: Five Years Consumed

You could hear the sizzle when the setting sun touched the salt water. The faint squawking of seagulls flying high above was in harmony with the warm breeze that whispered gently in my ear. The tiny sand granules under me were still warm from the day. Not many beach-goers were left, most of them had continued on and gone. It was coming to an end. I had pondered it thousands of times and looked at it from every imaginable angle. By the end of today, I would finally be free.

I have let go before. Granted the first time I was an unwilling participant. The first time happened as quickly as a flash of lightning, God made sure of that. While both end results were the same they were different. The first left me weak and the second made me strong.

The growing pains were excruciating and of the worst kind. Many nights I lay in my twin bed chilled from the winter air seeping though my window. My eyes hurting, drained and swollen too exhausted to manifest even a mole of a tear. My head full of every conceivable emotion, felt like it would soon explode if I was unable to find the relief valve soon. I needed it to stop. I needed sleep. I needed to get up and get to school on time. I used the radio to distract my chaotic mind and ease the aches. I ran so far away so many times with the Flock of Seagulls.

The numerous pains were regular visitors and the struggle with them constant. Just when I’d think it couldn’t get worse I’d be rudely introduced to a new one. I could make it all go away. I knew this. But still, I wasn’t ready to let go. Several nights I prayed to God asking him to slip me quietly into a coma. I desperately needed rest. I longed for peace. Nothing could make me happier than waking up months later to find it had all passed without any effort on my part. I became so accustom to lingering pains that eventually I went numb.

As far back as I could remember, not a holiday went by where I didn’t bake cookies for Santa. For people like me, who will forever be young at heart; the three weeks before Christmas undoubtedly makes December the longest month of the year! It had always been torture for me to see those beautiful, gleaming presents under the tree every day, and know, I had to wait. However this Christmas was different. We had the tree, the ornaments we were accustomed to, the shiny presents, the white snow, the warmth of a home, and the smell of fresh baked cookies; all the necessary ingredients were there, but joy was elusive to me. I felt no anticipation to tear through the red and green wrapping paper. No curiosity as to what Santa had left in my stocking. No surprise or feeling of gratitude for receiving the gifts.

My joyless Christmas passed with the season. So did the spring holidays, including my Birthday. They all nonchalantly came and went. As my high school graduation date grew closer I began to imagine a new life. Eagerness gently lapped at my conscience like calm waves on a secluded beach. Excited to leave this stagnant town, I was gone within two weeks of commencement. I traveled to the mid-west, partied with old friends, resided in paradise and made new friends. I worked my butt off holding down three jobs! My going, going, going consumed all of my time leaving none left to remember the pain. One year quickly passed.

I am happy; I am energetic; I am cured! The growing pains are gone. Dilemmas from the past are behind me. I am convinced that maturity, like an antidote, has successfully counteracted any past illness. However, my youthful confidence rendered me consciously oblivious to the lurking manipulation. My subconscious however, was completely aware of the present danger but the minuscule voice was too subtle to hear. Somewhat leery but highly elated, I paused before committing…

Secret vows in a small chapel and an island paradise could not keep me in remission. Less than one month passed and the disease was coming back. Yes, I knew the signs well. I’m a veteran. Puzzled as to why it was coming back I sought a Doctor. The initial appointment failed to shed any light on my predicament. I soon realized how stubborn the darkness was. It wasn’t as simple as flipping a light switch. I reluctantly succumbed to the notion that it would be a while before I could see.

For so long, letting go to me was accompanied with great fear. Slowly discovering and owning my weaknesses, my faults, and my mistakes culminated in me a profound strength. More permanent than a tattoo, this new insight branded my soul; an everlasting signature of virtue personifying dignity. The benefits gained from a lesson such as this, quickly diminish any pain associated with the learning.

With all fear factored out of the equation, I found myself desirous and unafraid of true independence. I now welcomed the end result. My anticipation of freedom grew greater as the time to let go grew closer. My heart began beating faster and stronger. I could feel it beating from the inside out, visible to others if they looked close enough. Unsurprisingly I managed to remain calm. Unlike times before, today I was in control of my emotions. Today, I did not need to prove anything to anyone. Today there would be no arguments, no detailed explanations, no pain, no more tears, and no more looking back. Today would be our last together.

I expected to see fury. I envisioned his strong arms reaching out, holding me against my will until I changed my mind, telling me that no one would ever love me as much as he did, but he didn’t. His eyes were blank, his lips slightly parted unsure of what to say. My reclaimed self confidence placed him in a dumbfounded state, if only for a moment. Then his square chin delicately quivered as mourning began to fill his green eyes, a routine I am familiar with. Only this time, my heart strings did not twinge. No, I wasn’t numb anymore, I knew what that felt like. All doubts and insecurities had been evicted, making room for new tenants. Self-love and self-respect now resided within me. No more vacancies. No more room for manipulation, jealousy, control, or belittling.

My personal boundaries were plotted and indestructible. My love so abundant that worry escaped me as love overflowed and poured out to the very person that had caused me so much pain. My inner peace was surreal; sanity, at last. He could no longer embed doubt in my mind. He was powerless to evoke an argument. I felt no need to blame him nor was I compelled to “fix” him. Responsible only for myself, my actions, my words, my decisions; finally I understood and believed how invincible I truly was.

Defiantly he pleaded, he promised and he asked for another chance. “I’m sorry, but five years of my life is chance enough for anyone.”

Tell Them Why

Twist, Fret, and shout!
Its ok love - let it out!
Go ahead tell them you hate me and why
Simply because I won’t watch you die

Putrid Pudding

Contrast to a pattern is like breeze to air

One stands still until the other is there

Stagnant and still without any will

Add turmoil and bring to a boil

Forget your pride, forget your woes

Forget your friends, forget your foes

For it is not their stew, without them it must brew

Stir the pot until it’s nice and hot

Add a little of this and whatnot

With a dash of despair and a lack of care

Forgetting all we were before you stir

Mix it round and round, ignore hope abound

Stir your pot, stir your brew

Watch it get hot, watch it stew

The aroma is sweet, there’s something missin’

Needs more stinky feet and throw some piss in

That’ll make it good and nasty

Tantalizing spices and wretched vices

Everything goes in, nothing’s a sin

Dance around the fire and a pot full of dishabille desire!

Everything dark and everything mean
A feast like this will keep me lean
I dance and jig about; I smile and do not pout
Still the sweetness of the smell, is not close enough to hell
More vinegar must I pour….
Now there’s the aroma I adore
Sweet and sour and nothing fresh, similar to that of rotting flesh
Can’t wait to feast until the middle of night
Everything’s wrong and nothing’s right
Oooh what a splendid recipe!
Come friends, come foes - come share with me!
Eat with me my putrid pudding of delight
Dine with me through the night
When the sun comes up I’ll go down.
Don’t like so much brightness all around.